[00:00:00] Bruce Anthony: What if the real barrier to intimacy isn't your partner, but what you were taught [00:00:05] to believe about yourself? We gonna get into it. Let's get it.

[00:00:10] [00:00:15] [00:00:20]

[00:00:20] Welcome to Unsolicited Perspectives 🎙️🔥💥

[00:00:20] Bruce Anthony: All this is unsolicited perspectives. I am your [00:00:25] host, Bruce Anthony, here to lead the conversation in important events and topics The. Is shaping today's [00:00:30] society. Join the conversation to follow us wherever you get your audio podcast. Subscribe to our YouTube [00:00:35] channel for our video podcast, YouTube exclusive content and our YouTube membership rate [00:00:40] review.

[00:00:40] Bruce Anthony: Like, comment, share, share with your friends, share with your [00:00:45] family. Hell even share with your enemies. On today's episode, I'll [00:00:50] be interviewing Dr. Tiffany Stanley, and we're gonna be talking about [00:00:55] intimacy, but that's enough of the intro. Let's get to the show.

​

[00:01:07] Bruce Anthony: [00:01:00] [00:01:05] You know, there are certain conversations [00:01:10] people want to have, but they don't always know where to start them. Conversations about intimacy. [00:01:15] About desire, about connection, about the things that we were taught to keep quiet [00:01:20] even in our own relationships. But today we're gonna go [00:01:25] there. My guest today is Dr.

[00:01:26] Bruce Anthony: Tiffany Stanley, a psychotherapist, clinical [00:01:30] sexologist and relationship expert with more than two decades of experience helping individuals and [00:01:35] couples navigate emotional wellbeing, identity, .And [00:01:40] intimacy. Her work focuses on helping people move outta shame. Confusion and [00:01:45] disconnection and into deeper understanding of themselves and how they show up in [00:01:50] relationships.

[00:01:51] Bruce Anthony: We're gonna talk about why so many people struggle to feel connected to their partners [00:01:55] and sometimes. Even to themselves. We're gonna get into the realities of long-term [00:02:00] relationships, how life changes can reshape intimacy, and why honest [00:02:05] communication is often harder than we think. We'll also touch on the cultural [00:02:10] messages many of us grew up with, especially

[00:02:13] Why Intimacy Feels So Hard for So Many People Today 🧠💔🗣️

[00:02:13] Bruce Anthony: around sexuality and how these [00:02:15] beliefs continue to shape the way we love, trust, and relate to [00:02:20] one another.

[00:02:22] Bruce Anthony: Is one of those conversations that can make you reflect [00:02:25] on your own experiences, past relationships, current dynamics, and even [00:02:30] relationship with yourself. So sit back, lean in, and get ready to learn. Without [00:02:35] further ado, Dr. Tiffany Stanley, I. As I said at the top, I'm here with [00:02:40] Dr. Tiffany Stanley. We're talking about intimacy relationships, all the [00:02:45] stuff that's not supposed to be taboo. But it is a little bit, [00:02:50] but I'm really excited to have Dr. Stanley on [00:02:55] because I know from my personal life, maybe not directly my personal [00:03:00] life, but the people in my orbit, that intimacy and relationships is a big.

[00:03:03] Bruce Anthony: Deal. And I [00:03:05] feel like when people listen and watch this, they're gonna learn so much. So Dr. Stanley, thank you [00:03:10] so much for coming on the show. I'm looking forward to this conversation. I'm looking forward to learning. I'm looking forward to [00:03:15] growing as a PERS person. I'm looking forward for my audience to do the same.

[00:03:18] Bruce Anthony: So thank you so much for [00:03:20] coming on the show.

[00:03:20] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: You're so welcome. I'm glad to be here.

[00:03:23] Bruce Anthony: I always start every [00:03:25] interview

[00:03:26] Bruce Anthony: with, let's go back.

[00:03:28] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Okay.

[00:03:28] Bruce Anthony: So I want to, the [00:03:30] first question I want to ask is, where did you grow up? What was your household like, and what kind of [00:03:35] experience shaped you to become the person that you are today?

[00:03:38] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm. [00:03:40] Okay. Well, uh, I grew up in a military family. My dad [00:03:45] was a high ranking officer, military.

[00:03:48] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um, so you can imagine with the home [00:03:50] life as far as that looked like, very traditional. Um, because he was in the [00:03:55] military. We moved around a little bit in the beginning, so I'm from New Orleans, but [00:04:00] then moved to Puerto Rico and was, yeah.

[00:04:03] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: So I was there for. [00:04:05] Seven plus years, mainly my formative years, you know, elementary, middle school, most [00:04:10] of high school. Um, so I had that experience of [00:04:15] being the kind of min minority and being the gringo, right? So the [00:04:20] blonde and didn't look like everybody. And, and I think that that experience of living in [00:04:25] Puerto Rico and then moving to Texas, which is where I've been since, uh, really gave [00:04:30] me a view of. Just being like trying to [00:04:35] adapt and the need for like, connections and, and of course when you're [00:04:40] moving, it's gonna go deep that quickly too. So, and in addition to that, with my father [00:04:45] being military and that traditional sort of home life, um, mom, a stay home mom, [00:04:50] dad. Ran the show and the, the finances and all of those [00:04:55] pieces.

[00:04:55] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: So that's kind of my early years and I think those formative [00:05:00] years really made me look about relationships and, uh, roles [00:05:05] and what I perceived as. Inequality, you know, and things like that. [00:05:10] So, um, and then since then I've been in Texas and been married [00:05:15] and divorced and have two adult sons. And so, yeah, it's [00:05:20] been a life journey, been all over the place, but I think people often surprised when they meet me [00:05:25] and they're like, you grew up where, know, but yep, that's, that's part of [00:05:30]

[00:05:30] How Moving Constantly Shapes Bonding and Connection 🧳💞🧠

[00:05:30] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: the journey.

[00:05:30] Bruce Anthony: Being a military kid, this is one of those detours I told you at the, at the [00:05:35] top that I, I might take, um, being a military kid, I was not a military [00:05:40] kid, but I can identify with military kids because we moved around so much. I went to, I [00:05:45] think it was four different elementary schools, two different middle schools, and three different high schools, right?

[00:05:49] Bruce Anthony: Like we [00:05:50] moved around so much and talking about intimacy and connection. One of the [00:05:55] things, and I don't know if you have siblings. That was gonna be my next question. Uh, one of me and my brother and sister [00:06:00] are so close because we move so much, but also I don't have [00:06:05] a problem with. Ending things another because I, [00:06:10] I learned that, you know, this person could be your friend today, [00:06:15] but I would, might have to move next week and I will never see this person again.

[00:06:19] Bruce Anthony: Because this [00:06:20] was in the eighties and nineties and technology wasn't a thing. Do you feel like, [00:06:25] um, growing up as a military kid moving around, going from [00:06:30] New Orleans to Puerto Rico to Texas, that. That may [00:06:35] have led to some connection issues because you had to move around so [00:06:40] much and that nobody is really there for long.

[00:06:43] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Yeah. Yeah. [00:06:45] Well speaking about siblings, I do have two sisters and we're very, very

[00:06:49] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: [00:06:50] close and a lot of times people, you know, will go, gosh, that's so unusual 'cause [00:06:55] y'all are like best friends. And, um, and we are, and, and I think part of [00:07:00] that is because we had to rely on each

[00:07:01] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: other, you know, we were our constants, [00:07:05] um, and. And, and like what you were saying about, uh, intimacy [00:07:10] and connecting is that you did, you didn't know when you were moving again and if you were gonna get [00:07:15] stationed someplace else, and you gotta pick up all your stuff and you'll never see those people again, [00:07:20] or the likelihood of it. Um, so it made me very [00:07:25] adaptable, meaning that. Uh, I'm comfortable meeting people and, and getting to know [00:07:30] people. Um, but I do think it does impact like intimacy or, um, [00:07:35] there is that little piece of like, well, you know, you may not meet them [00:07:40] again or you may not, you can be friends now. And, and, you know, if we grow in different [00:07:45] directions, we may not be friends anymore. Um. So I think that's a [00:07:50] different experience than a lot of people that kind of stay in one place. And you know, I kind of envy the friends I [00:07:55] have that have had friends since they were kids. And I'm like, I have no, other than my [00:08:00] sisters, you know, that's not, that's not my story.

[00:08:04] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um, [00:08:05] I don't remember the friends from New Orleans or, you know, um, 'cause. [00:08:10] I was always moving. So, and same thing with Puerto Rico, you know, when we moved from Puerto [00:08:15] Rico to to Texas, that was a drastic cultural change first. [00:08:20] Um, but then, you know, I had to make new friends and again, I [00:08:25] was. from Puerto Rico with all that cultural experience and also the [00:08:30] blonde girl, but also very tan and not going into a school that was primarily black [00:08:35] and, um, you know, standing out again.

[00:08:38] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And, uh, [00:08:40] so I, I do agree that it does impact your ability to feel connection [00:08:45] and then that sort of security of that connection.

[00:08:48] Bruce Anthony: So. [00:08:50]

[00:08:50] Sibling Bonds, Emotional Safety, and Letting Others In 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🛡️❤️

[00:08:50] Bruce Anthony: Just like you and your sisters. Me, my brother and sister are very, very [00:08:55] close. Like I do, uh, an episode a week with my sister. The audience knows how close [00:09:00] I am with my sister. I am just as close with my brother. We have a strong bond, [00:09:05] and I remember, uh, when I was married that my [00:09:10] ex-wife was able to join the group.

[00:09:13] Bruce Anthony: Right. Even [00:09:15] though now my brother sister trying to claim that she wasn't, she was, you know, she, [00:09:20] she was.

[00:09:20] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Out things later.

[00:09:22] Bruce Anthony: Yeah. Um, do you th do you [00:09:25] think that closeness with your sisters, um. [00:09:30] Affected relationships with other people, not even just romantic. Friendships. [00:09:35] Friendships and romantic and everything in between.

[00:09:38] Bruce Anthony: Because you have this bond that [00:09:40] you could say, well, no matter what, I know my people are over here. Y'all are [00:09:45] never going to get to this level. And, and if that's the case, [00:09:50] did you see. Intimidation from [00:09:55] friends or partners, romantic partners with the closeness with your sister?[00:10:00]

[00:10:02] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um, well, we definitely are that type. [00:10:05] Tight tribe, if you

[00:10:06] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: will. And we joke, but it's also [00:10:10] serious is that if you don't fit in, you're just not gonna fit in

[00:10:13] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: it. It's if you don't [00:10:15] click with the group, like, you know, if you don't get our jokes, if you don't love to dance, if you don't like [00:10:20] all these things, you're just not gonna fit very well. So, um, [00:10:25] and I think that the partners that have come into my life and, um, they've, [00:10:30] they've either fit or they haven't, and, uh. And so, um, [00:10:35] got another question though that was, how does that impact friendships and like [00:10:40] intimidation? Can you tell me more about what you're asking there so I can make sure?

[00:10:44] Bruce Anthony: I, [00:10:45] I know that when, for instance, me and my [00:10:50] brother and sister had a party

[00:10:53] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:10:53] Bruce Anthony: and [00:10:55] one of my siblings, grouping of friends, I don't want to single out anybody. One of [00:11:00] my siblings, grouping of friends saw how close we were [00:11:05] and they were like, oh. I thought we were like siblings, [00:11:10] but I see now

[00:11:11] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:11:12] Bruce Anthony: there's a different level.

[00:11:14] Bruce Anthony: So [00:11:15] that's what I'm what I'm saying because some people that are dear [00:11:20] friends of mine see me with my siblings and say, oh, I, I thought I was your best friend. I mean, you are [00:11:25] my best friend, but that's, those are my best friends too, and I've known 'em all my [00:11:30] life. It's a little different. So that's what I'm talking about.

[00:11:32] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I think people recognize, have recognized that, [00:11:35] that the, the sister bond is very, very strong and that they're, um, so [00:11:40] important to me. And, but I think either the friends are either wanting to join, they [00:11:45] wanna like hang out with all of us. Um, or you know, they just recognize that [00:11:50] those are your sisters

[00:11:51] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: and you, you guys are thickest thieves and [00:11:55] so, you know. It's just kinda like they're my [00:12:00] deepest best friends, but these are, you are my best friend too, or my

[00:12:02] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: close friends. And there's a place [00:12:05] for everybody.

[00:12:06] Bruce Anthony: Yes. There's a place for everybody. So you're traveling[00:12:10]

[00:12:10] Why Tiffany Built a Career Around Intimacy Work 🛋️📚🔥

[00:12:10] Bruce Anthony: as a military kid from New Orleans to Puerto Rico, [00:12:15] to Texas. You're growing up in Texas. [00:12:20] You got this great sister bond and [00:12:25] somehow that translate into you building a career around intimacy relationships and [00:12:30] sexual topics.

[00:12:31] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:12:32] Bruce Anthony: And this is why you're [00:12:35] here on the show, is to talk about these topics that are been labeled as [00:12:40] taboo, but you're saying they shouldn't and we shouldn't feel that way.

[00:12:44] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: [00:12:45] Right,

[00:12:45] Bruce Anthony: How did your life pull you into this type of work?

[00:12:49] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Uh, [00:12:50] well, no, I always wanted to go into psychology and, and, and I started out work wanting to work primarily [00:12:55] with women. Um, but. I like to think it's that I'm comfortable [00:13:00] talking about the topic because it would come up so often in therapy sessions with [00:13:05] clients and you know, they might come in talking about, I'm really struggling with anxiety or [00:13:10] relationship issues, or whatever they're presenting, and I never believe we would end up [00:13:15] talking about their sex life because they. you're anxious, that's gonna show up [00:13:20] in your sex life. If your sex life is complicated, that creates anxiety. So it becomes this little, [00:13:25] you know, like a cycle. And um, and I think part of it is also how [00:13:30] much of it has been we've been conditioned to believe is taboo [00:13:35] or not supposed to be talked about. And, um. I think there's something really [00:13:40] empowering about getting to know yourself at a really deep level, which includes how you show [00:13:45] up at intimacy with

[00:13:46] Why Sex, Shame, and the Body Must Be Understood Together 🧠🔥❤️

[00:13:46] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: yourself and with other people. Um, even questioning like, [00:13:50] why, why aren't we supposed to talk about sex? Why are we supposed to know how to do it [00:13:55] and, and enjoy it when it's okay and acceptable, but then not talk about it and it [00:14:00] being shameful and not okay. When it's not okay. Right. So that [00:14:05] contradiction always really bothered me. And, um, the idea of empowering people to [00:14:10] ask questions of themselves and own what works for them [00:14:15] and check in with themself when they're following what they perceive is like the script of how it's [00:14:20] supposed to look. And it's. It's not authentic. So, um, [00:14:25] I think it's just been an evolution of something I've already really fascinated by. And I think sex is such a [00:14:30] human thing that, uh, it just became more and more [00:14:35] interesting to me. And then I pursued it at a deeper level of, you know, getting a, a doctorate in [00:14:40] clinical sexology, you know, so, uh, just took it seriously and I wanted to be [00:14:45] educated, not just on the human part of it, but like. Or the [00:14:50] relational piece, but like the anatomy and what's happening within our bodies and our hormones, and [00:14:55] so yeah, it's, I think it's just an extremely [00:15:00] fascinating topic.

​

[00:15:10] Bruce Anthony: [00:15:05] [00:15:10] The older I've gotten, the more fascinated I've. [00:15:15] Been about, well, I've always been fascinated about sex, but [00:15:20] the, the intimacy part of it, um, is, has always been interesting to me. [00:15:25] But most of us don't grow up, uh, having open and healthy [00:15:30] conversations about sex, desire, or boundaries. [00:15:35] What messages do people usually carry from childhood or even young [00:15:40] adulthood that end up causing problems in their relationships later?[00:15:45]

[00:15:45] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, it doesn't often get talked about. And you know, so many [00:15:50] clients, I'll ask them, you know, well, who did you first learn about sex from? Who you know? And [00:15:55] often it's at school and the, the presentation was [00:16:00] scare the crap out of the kid, you know? And instead of it [00:16:05] being. Understanding how the body works, understanding the emotional piece of it, understanding [00:16:10] boundaries, you know, um, so a lot of parents don't talk to [00:16:15] about sex with their kids, so kids are learning it from school and friends, which, [00:16:20] um, are usually not the best experts on. On sex. [00:16:25] Um, that also creates the idea of like, performance because you're hearing, [00:16:30] here's this guy or friend talking about their sexual experience and how some, [00:16:35] somehow it went like perfectly. And then, you know, that, that pre presents this idea of, [00:16:40] oh, we should know how to do

[00:16:41] The Silence Around Sex Creates Shame and Confusion 🤐💔🧠

[00:16:41] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: this and we should know how to do it really well and also be [00:16:45] emotionally connected and intimate and so. I think a lot of the, the issue is that it [00:16:50] doesn't get talked about and when things aren't talked about the go-to is that they're not [00:16:55] supposed to be talked about. There's

[00:16:56] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: something bad about them. There's something we need to keep that a secret. [00:17:00] Um, and yet most people are having sex. So, you know what, [00:17:05] what is something that's so human need to be a secret or

[00:17:09] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: they get [00:17:10] shamed about it and, you know, um, so.

[00:17:12] Bruce Anthony: You said something earlier [00:17:15] about anxiety affecting intimacy, and [00:17:20] I don't know why that never crossed my mind before. As somebody [00:17:25] who suffers from generalized anxiety to think that anxiety would [00:17:30] interrupt intimacy. Um, that's one [00:17:35] thing that can interrupt intimacy, but. With your [00:17:40] clients. You don't need to be specific.

[00:17:42] Bruce Anthony: The older millennials, [00:17:45] um, and we're the millennials generation that might be coming to you, [00:17:50] do you see issues with [00:17:55] sexuality, intimacy, and desire as the rise of technology [00:18:00] has opened up the door to, uh, I don't know if I can say this [00:18:05] on air. Sexually suggestive media. Yeah, that [00:18:10] was a good way to put it.

[00:18:10] Bruce Anthony: Sexually suggestive media and that now kids have [00:18:15] access to it that older generations didn't. At such a young [00:18:20] age that's warping, that could be potentially warping their mind about what [00:18:25] sex actually is and how it's supposed to feel and [00:18:30] be presented. Do you think that there is a correlation between that.

[00:18:34] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Yeah, I do. I think [00:18:35] that the social media and, and technology has, I mean, there's definitely benefits [00:18:40] to it as far as like the access to information,

[00:18:43] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: assuming the information is [00:18:45] accurate.

[00:18:45] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um, but it does, you know, if somebody's watching something that's [00:18:50] sexually related. though somebody logically may know that [00:18:55] that's not real, that this is a crafted, scripted, edited sort of thing, [00:19:00] it doesn't mean that it doesn't create an influence of what is perceived the way it's supposed to look. [00:19:05] And often in those types of, uh. It's not [00:19:10] emphasizing intimacy, it's not emphasizing, um, humanness [00:19:15] of it doesn't always go great. It sometimes it's messy. Sometimes it's, [00:19:20] you're all in and then it changes. And so that, that piece gives them very, um, [00:19:25] inaccurate information and also creates that performance anxiety. Which [00:19:30] is, I need to know what I'm doing. I need to be really good at it. Everything has to function perfectly and on [00:19:35] cue, and that's just not how it works. Um, so puts a lot of pressure on [00:19:40] people. Um, I also think that the, with social media and things like that, yes you have access to [00:19:45] talking to people and whatever, but it's also created a lot of loneliness.

[00:19:48] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: People are not [00:19:50] connecting in that sort of real time, spinning, actual time with [00:19:55] each other. They're texting and, um. Sending back [00:20:00] photos and things like that, which should probably like, you know, edited as well, so.[00:20:05]

[00:20:05] Bruce Anthony: Um, that's an interesting, that's really interesting that [00:20:10] our form of communication now. Is texting. I, I know [00:20:15] personally don't call me. You can FaceTime me maybe, but I prefer a text [00:20:20] and how there's a lost connection in that people have whole conversations through text [00:20:25] messages and then when they're in person aren't able to.

[00:20:28] Bruce Anthony: Make that type of connection. I [00:20:30] hear so many of my friends who are on dating sites that say they have these great [00:20:35] conversations online through the dating site and then once they're in per person is [00:20:40] crickets. So that's an interesting concept that I don't think people need [00:20:45] necessarily thought about it.

[00:20:46] Curiosity Beats Assumptions in Disconnected Relationships 🧐💞🗣️

[00:20:46] Bruce Anthony: What could be a solution to a couple [00:20:50] who might feel a little disconnected right now? [00:20:55] If they examine their communication styles,[00:21:00]

[00:21:00] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: So I think that what a lot of people are missing is just the [00:21:05] curiosity.

[00:21:05] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: You know, I think so many people are just making assumptions left and right, and they're operating from those [00:21:10] assumptions. And maybe the assumptions accurate, but not necessarily, [00:21:15] right. So, um, you talk about the people that are comfortable with the texting.

[00:21:19] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: They're on a [00:21:20] social, a dating app, and they're able to text in that. In that [00:21:25] sort of communication setup, there's a lot less anxiety because you can edit, you [00:21:30] can, um, you can take a little bit of time to think of how you wanna say it. You [00:21:35] can also have sort of the, well, if it didn't make sense, I can go back and [00:21:40] change it because we can use the idea that text or email can be misunderstood, [00:21:45] misconstrued, or whatever. But when you're sitting face to face with someone, it's right [00:21:50] there. They're right there in front of you and you are. Kind of thinking on the spot. You can't [00:21:55] take that pause or that edit, and I think that creates a lot of anxiety for people. [00:22:00] So a couple that's feeling disconnected, I think it's just being, asking questions, [00:22:05] being curious and not, um, making quick assumptions about [00:22:10] what you think your partner's feeling or needs or wants. Um. And [00:22:15] you think about in the sexual realm, a lot of people make assumptions based on [00:22:20] what they think is happening in the sexual experience, and they're not talking about it. Oh [00:22:25] gosh, they sounded like they were really enjoying that. So that must be it. It's like, maybe [00:22:30] not,

[00:22:30] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: maybe you need to stop and ask, you know, like, maybe not in a sexual experience, but like at another time.

[00:22:34] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Like, [00:22:35] how was that for you?

[00:22:36] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Do you like when I do this instead of, oh, you know, [00:22:40] I'm, I'm doing it perfect. And maybe you're not for that person. [00:22:45]

[00:22:45] When Desire Drops and You Think Something Is Wrong 😔🫀❓

[00:22:45] Bruce Anthony: So I do wanna get back to couples being disconnected, but I wanna focus [00:22:50] in on the person right now. You hear a lot of people saying all the time, something must be wrong with [00:22:55] me because my desire isn't what it used to be. your experience, what [00:23:00] usually really happening when someone starts to feel disconnected from that [00:23:05] part of themselves?

[00:23:06] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, I think that first there's an assumption again, that [00:23:10] we're supposed to have desire all the time and that it's should be readily available [00:23:15] and, and it doesn't work that way. It's really responsive. So if we're stressed out, if [00:23:20] we feel overwhelmed, um, and this could be just as a person, [00:23:25] not even in a couple of relationship,

[00:23:26] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: although the couple of relationship plays a big part too.

[00:23:28] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: But just as a person, [00:23:30] if you're stressed out, you're overwhelmed. Um. You feel disconnected [00:23:35] to your body. Maybe something physically is going on with your body and you feel like your body's betraying you. There's all [00:23:40] kinds of reasons. Well, then desire's not gonna be there and, [00:23:45] and I think so often people do not realize that our life circumstances. [00:23:50] Absolutely play a part, um, if we have desire, [00:23:55] um, to be intimate, sexual, receive, give pleasure, [00:24:00] any of the, any of those things. So, um, and another big part is [00:24:05] feeling safe. So if someone doesn't feel seen safe. [00:24:10] Either with themselves and in their own body or in a relationship, desire's not gonna be there. [00:24:15] So a lot of times people will come to me and say, you know, something's wrong with me. I don't have any [00:24:20] desire. I could take it or leave it. You know? The first thing I wanna know [00:24:25] is what has such been like for them because, um. [00:24:30] Or even if it's with themselves, you know, are you experiencing pleasure? Are you having [00:24:35] an orgasm? Is it, you know, are you feeling seen in your sexual experience? [00:24:40] And a lot of times they'll tell me, no, you know, I don't think anybody's even asked me what I want. [00:24:45] I don't even know what I want. Um, that, those kind of pieces, [00:24:50] pieces will play a part in desire and disconnect. So, um, [00:24:55] again, curiosity, ask questions. I can't tell you how many times couples have come to me [00:25:00] and you know, it's like they don't talk about sex. They could be doing it all the time, but they [00:25:05] haven't had conversations about it outside the bedroom, but like what they like and you [00:25:10] know,

[00:25:10] Bruce Anthony: You're talking specifically about like what the. And like what they like, what they [00:25:15] enjoy. Not, not, Hey, do you wanna do something? Hey, are you ready? [00:25:20] Not, not those type of questions, not that type of communication, but the communication of [00:25:25] are you enjoying this? Is there something else that you would like, is there something else that, [00:25:30] that you would like to do?

[00:25:31] Bruce Anthony: Those are the conversations that you're saying that a lot of these [00:25:35] couples aren't having.

[00:25:36] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: They're not having those conversations, but they're also not having [00:25:40] conversations about what creates desire for someone.

[00:25:42] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: What's been turned on, [00:25:45] what, what do they need in order to feel connected, you know? Um. [00:25:50] Those are all really important pieces. The idea of just being [00:25:55] ready to go. It, it doesn't really work that way.

[00:25:58] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um, I think that, [00:26:00] so it's not just what you like and don't like and what works for you in this sort of sexual [00:26:05] experience, but even like what creates comfort and safety and, um, feeling [00:26:10] seen by your person that would even make you desire being sexual. [00:26:15]

[00:26:15] Performance Versus Presence in Long-Term Relationships 🎭❤️‍🔥🧠

[00:26:15] Bruce Anthony: Yeah, that's, that's so very, very important. Uh, sticking with [00:26:20] couples and relationships. A lot of people in relationships end up just kind of going through the [00:26:25] motions. You hear that all the time, especially for people that have been in long-term relationships, uh, [00:26:30] because they think that's what they're supposed to do.

[00:26:32] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:26:32] Bruce Anthony: been in this situation for so long. Let me [00:26:35] go through the motions. How can someone tell the difference between performance, intimacy, and [00:26:40] actually feeling connected to their partner?

[00:26:43] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, performance is [00:26:45] performance. It, they're not, they're not. Their bodies, they're not [00:26:50] experiencing their sensations. They're, they're not attuned to their person. They're in the, [00:26:55] what am I supposed to do next and

[00:26:56] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: what is it supposed to look like? And sometimes [00:27:00] it's what's the end goal and how fast can we get there? Um, so. [00:27:05] The difference between presence is that you're authentically [00:27:10] connecting, you're paying attention to what you're experiencing. You're paying attention to your partner as [00:27:15] well. You're not thinking about end goal as the, you know, um, [00:27:20] that it's supposed to look a certain way. It's just much more organic, and there's a, there's a big [00:27:25] difference there.

[00:27:25] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: If you're in performance mode, you're in your head and you're trying to sort [00:27:30] of. Look and behave and, and do certain things you think they're supposed to be like, and that's [00:27:35] not necessarily connected to what really, what really does it for each of you. [00:27:40] So that shows up in the relationship too. When you kind of go in with [00:27:45] emotions, you're not connected, you're, you're sort of performing a [00:27:50] relationship but not connecting with each other, getting to know each other, [00:27:55] um, being curious and. We're constantly growing, right? [00:28:00] So what someone was like when you first started dating them or first got married is [00:28:05] not, you know, ideally people, you wanna grow, you wanna have new [00:28:10] experiences, and so you gotta, it's a continuous, like getting to know somebody.

[00:28:13] Bruce Anthony: Right, like that [00:28:15] growth. we grow, right? Like just naturally the [00:28:20] evolution of human beings. You, you're not the same in your thirties as you were in your [00:28:25] twenties and your forties as you were in your thirties and fifties. I'm, I'm 45 years old [00:28:30] and I'm not even the same from when I was 42. Like there's [00:28:35] been a jumping a leap.

[00:28:36] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:28:37] Bruce Anthony: there as well. I would assume that that [00:28:40] would also apply to sexual desire, that that evolves [00:28:45] over time

[00:28:45] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:28:46] Bruce Anthony: with growth as a, as a person, [00:28:50] but also growth in a relationship. So what are some of the [00:28:55] things that people can do? I know what You're good, ready to say communicate, but, but h [00:29:00] in what way?

[00:29:01] Bruce Anthony: Because h how can somebody who [00:29:05] might not even know. That they, that the desires that they [00:29:10] used to have are not fulfilling them anymore. How [00:29:15] could they even recognize it if they don't see it? And then, then [00:29:20] find out, this is what I desire.

[00:29:22] Bruce Anthony: Like how do you get to [00:29:25] doing that type of work?

[00:29:27] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, I think it's also helpful to look back to what, [00:29:30] what, did work in the past

[00:29:31] Bruce Anthony: Mm-hmm.

[00:29:32] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: and as a starting point. [00:29:35] This is something we used to do. I used to enjoy it. It seemed like you [00:29:40] did, you enjoy it, that kind of thing. And then that opens up a more honest conversation of [00:29:45] identifying the things that are shifting.

[00:29:47] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And then as far as like, you know, [00:29:50] again, just referencing what you've already experienced, what [00:29:55] do you imagine, what do you think about what, um. Just [00:30:00] being open for those conversations. I think a lot of people hold back and they're re, you [00:30:05] know, hesitant to share things that might help or might be of interest [00:30:10] because they're concerned they're gonna be, you know, judged about it or, um, [00:30:15] maybe they're gonna feel embarrassed or. Of those things. So a lot of people just kind of [00:30:20] go through the motions without taking that little bit of a check-in and being, [00:30:25] you know, wondering is this working for you? That question is a very [00:30:30] hard question to ask. You know, it's,

[00:30:33] Why Desire Changes and Couples Must Keep Talking 🔄💬❤️

[00:30:33] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: oh, I hope they don't tell me, no, this isn't [00:30:35] working. In fact, I'm bored. You know, that's gery.[00:30:40]

[00:30:40] Bruce Anthony: When if, if somebody ever told me that they were bored, I would get up [00:30:45] and walk away and they would never see me again.

[00:30:47] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well,

[00:30:48] Bruce Anthony: Wow. [00:30:50]

[00:30:51] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: because it

[00:30:51] Bruce Anthony: give me performance anxiety.

[00:30:53] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Yeah. And [00:30:55] that's, you know, it's again, people get stuck in their routines and they do the same [00:31:00] thing over and over again, and they expect it to be something that continues to work. [00:31:05] Forever. And it

[00:31:06] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: doesn't, it doesn't, you know, we've gotta shift our [00:31:10] bodies, change, um, our experience change those influence how we [00:31:15] see ourselves. You know? Um, over time people might [00:31:20] learn new things, feel more empowered, enhance their voice of what they want, what they [00:31:25] need, and then everything starts to shift. And you have to be able to have those conversations.[00:31:30]

[00:31:30] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um.

[00:31:31] Bruce Anthony: I know. Once again, somebody told me they were bored. That'd be [00:31:35] traumatic. But

[00:31:36] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Yeah,

[00:31:36] Bruce Anthony: of

[00:31:37] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: let's not get there. Like, don't get to the, I'm [00:31:40] bored because if

[00:31:40] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: you, the, you have been out [00:31:45] for a long time,

[00:31:47] Bruce Anthony: Oh my goodness.

​

[00:31:56] Bruce Anthony: [00:31:50] [00:31:55] Speaking of trauma, people hear the word trauma and often think it only applies to [00:32:00] like extreme situations,

[00:32:02] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:32:04] Bruce Anthony: Reading [00:32:05] some of your information, you talk about how it can quietly show up in the [00:32:10] way we feel closeness or experience, closeness, experience, vulnerability. [00:32:15] How does that tend to show up in relationships?

[00:32:16] Bruce Anthony: I.

[00:32:18] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, speaking of [00:32:20] traumas, people often think trauma and they think some major crisis, [00:32:25] um, an accident. Something in reality, though, the trauma, the, the most, uh. [00:32:30] Impactful trauma is trauma that's slow and consist [00:32:35] like continuous. You know, it's those little things that your part are not showing up [00:32:40] for you.

[00:32:40] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: It's your partner, not, um, you, you know. [00:32:45] Honoring your relationship or all kinds of like these little smaller [00:32:50] things of them, not having time for you, not asking questions. Those are all [00:32:55] little traumas that do that, create the distance and disconnect, [00:33:00] um, and make it very scary to be vulnerable with someone.

[00:33:02] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: So, um, [00:33:05] the, the idea is not. Let's look for this one big, huge argument that [00:33:10] happened. Instead, it's the times when people don't show up. They don't keep their word. They, you [00:33:15] know, um, they make time for everybody else but you. These kind of little, [00:33:20] little hurts that add up.

[00:33:23] Bruce Anthony: Um, I, I [00:33:25] have married

[00:33:26] Slow Trauma Quietly Damages Trust and Vulnerability 💔🕰️🛑

[00:33:26] Bruce Anthony: friends, married guy friends. I'm [00:33:30] not, I gotta be careful how I say this 'cause I don't want to be specific. Um, [00:33:35] who, who have talked about their sex life with their wife [00:33:40] and have said that they wish they could have it more [00:33:45] often. That she's never. In the mood, and there's one [00:33:50] friend in particular that said, I paid attention to the things [00:33:55] that she was asking me to do around the house with the kids, cleaning up [00:34:00] whatever it was, and then started doing them without her ever [00:34:05] having to ask Sex.

[00:34:07] Bruce Anthony: Life has been great, so. [00:34:10] With that story, one of the biggest tensions, like I said with my friends and couples out [00:34:15] there, is that they're faced one person who wants to be intimate and another one doesn't. [00:34:20] What are some healthy ways couples can navigate the difference without [00:34:25] turning into blame, guilt, or pressure?

[00:34:28] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm. Well, you [00:34:30] described a situation that's pretty common and that is, you know. [00:34:35] This particular friend of yours started noticing the things that were go, [00:34:40] had obviously been continuing to go on, the things that happened in the house and the chores and the kids and the [00:34:45] responsibilities. Um, and then he stepped up and started doing some of those. [00:34:50] That right there is showing that he's paying attention and that [00:34:55] he is, it matters to him. He's reliable. He's, [00:35:00] he's her partner and that. Is a great [00:35:05] aphrodisiac to like wanting to

[00:35:06] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: be sexual. It's like your per like, you know, it's having [00:35:10] a conversation. It's problem solving together. It's all these things that seem very [00:35:15] non-sexual that actually lead to sexual desire because we're creating a sense of [00:35:20] safety.

[00:35:20] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I can, I can count on you, you are my person. That [00:35:25] leads to being more open to the idea of, of [00:35:30] desire and so it, it. Obviously your question [00:35:35] was how do you prevent the sort of whose fault it is? And I mean, I think don't [00:35:40] have that conversation instead going, how can we show up for each other better?

[00:35:44] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Um, [00:35:45] and, and then there you go.

[00:35:47] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And that starts, and then when that partner sees those [00:35:50] efforts, that intentional effort, it means a lot.

[00:35:53] Bruce Anthony: So, [00:35:55]

[00:35:55] Mismatched Desire, Effort, and Feeling Chosen Again 💡💞🔥

[00:35:55] Bruce Anthony: ladies and gentlemen, did you hear that? Do not have that conversation. Pay attention [00:36:00] to what matters to them. Are, are you, are you saying without [00:36:05] saying love languages?

[00:36:07] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Am I Well, love languages [00:36:10] exist. It's a real thing. I

[00:36:12] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: think they can change over time. I [00:36:15] think that there is a dis, there is a definite correlation between love languages [00:36:20] and sexual love languages. So. Knowing what your [00:36:25] partner's love languages are. 'cause it's not usually just one. It's, you know, [00:36:30] um, maybe the top two or three.

[00:36:33] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And then [00:36:35] being intentional to bring those things in, even if it's not your love language, [00:36:40] even if it's not the thing you think about or feel the most loved by. That's that [00:36:45] intention to bring those in goes a long way. So the partner you talked about was [00:36:50] probably acts of service, right? So they were like, Ugh, you are lightening my load.

[00:36:54] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: You're [00:36:55] helping me out, you know, you are noticing that I'm doing all these things and you're, and you're [00:37:00] helping, you're, you're taking on some of it. Yeah.[00:37:05]

[00:37:05] Bruce Anthony: I think I, you dropped something. That I'd never heard [00:37:10] before. I've heard of Love languages before. I, I know 'em. I've studied them. [00:37:15] Um, but did you say sex love languages?

[00:37:19] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Yes.

[00:37:19] Bruce Anthony: never [00:37:20] heard of that before. Can you break that down for me and the audience? What are [00:37:25] sex love languages?

[00:37:26] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: It's like the love languages,

[00:37:28] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: but that carry [00:37:30] over into your sexual experiences.

[00:37:33] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: For instance, if your [00:37:35] love language is words of affirmation,

[00:37:37] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: you really feel seen and [00:37:40] loved when your partner says, I'm so proud of you, or, [00:37:45] um. You did a great job, or you're so attractive, whatever those positive things that [00:37:50] resonate for that person, imagine bringing those words of affirmation into your [00:37:55] sexual experience. You are so hot. You're so good at this. This is the [00:38:00] best thing ever. Da da, da, da. Right? That's your sexual love language,[00:38:05]

[00:38:05] Bruce Anthony: So, yeah, definitely that, that would be cool, especially considering that, [00:38:10] that your love language is, uh, words of affirmation, what not [00:38:15] to say during sex. If your love language is, words of affirmation is, I'm bored. [00:38:20] Don't do that. not do that.[00:38:25]

[00:38:25] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: direction?

[00:38:25] Bruce Anthony: Yeah, that's a good way to end what's going [00:38:30] on?

[00:38:30] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Yeah. Sex language is unnecessary because it's not happening.

[00:38:34] Bruce Anthony: [00:38:35] Yeah. I've noticeD a lot of people will complain about what they're not getting in a relationship, but they [00:38:40] never actually say what they need. is asking for what you want [00:38:45] so difficult for so many people?

[00:38:48] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I think it's the fear that they're not [00:38:50] gonna get it. I mean, think about it. If you identify what you [00:38:55] want and then you bring that to the table and that person [00:39:00] says. Not gonna do it or doesn't even say anything, but just doesn't, [00:39:05] doesn't provide that thing that was important enough for you to bring up. That could be [00:39:10] really a, a letdown is putting it mild, mildly. I mean, it's, [00:39:15] um, I think people are afraid of not getting the thing that they ask for [00:39:20] than putting themselves out there and being vulnerable to talk about what they want, and then the fear of it [00:39:25] not being important enough to be, um, taken care [00:39:30] of.

[00:39:31] Boundaries, Hard Requests, and Honest Sexual Talks 🚧🗣️❤️

[00:39:31] Bruce Anthony: So in that same frame, in that [00:39:35] same conversation and going back [00:39:40] boundaries. Some people out here, and I don't mean [00:39:45] to make it gender specific, but I'm going to, I'm gonna say men are gonna do this, okay? [00:39:50] Men are going to ask their partner for certain things [00:39:55] sexually that might. Be beyond the scope of the [00:40:00] boundary of their relationship.

[00:40:01] Bruce Anthony: Some of 'em have been in monogamous relationships [00:40:05] for 5, 6, 7 years, and then they wanna try to be poly. [00:40:10] Right? And, and that partner doesn't wanna do that. [00:40:15] So what do you say to those people who [00:40:20] might ask unreasonable request in [00:40:25] sexual nature? I. Do, should they still have those conversations [00:40:30] or they should, should they reexamine what they're about to bring to this [00:40:35] conversation?

[00:40:36] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, I think you'd need to understand why you're even considering wanting a certain [00:40:40] thing, whatever it is, to go into a polyamorous relationship, open up the relationship, [00:40:45] try new sexual, you know, activities or things like that to be. [00:40:50] Curious about what's underneath that. I mean, if somebody wants to move into a poly [00:40:55] relationship that has its own context of what that looks like, and so [00:41:00] what is going on in the relationship that makes that even appealing to question that [00:41:05] for yourself.

[00:41:05] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, I'm just saying like to question why that's something that's of [00:41:10] of interest. And then from that information to just decide if it's [00:41:15] important enough for them to bring it up in the relationship in their couple relationship. [00:41:20] Obviously, you have to be thoughtful about what you're bringing up so that it's. I don't think you [00:41:25] should keep to yourself the things that are feel important or the things that you really are desiring. I [00:41:30] think we need to be able to share that with our partner. It may not be available, [00:41:35] you know, um, I think people get cautious of, well, if I say that this is something that's of [00:41:40] interest to me, they may misread that to mean I'm not happy in this [00:41:45] relationship, or I'm not happy.

[00:41:46] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: You're satisfying this sexual relationship. So I think that it needs to be [00:41:50] presented in a way with assurance, but also. This is something that I'm thinking [00:41:55] about and, and then having that pre-work of understanding why it's even of interest to you, [00:42:00] be it a position or, you know, opening the relationship to kind of a [00:42:05] different setup

[00:42:06] Bruce Anthony: On the flip side to that, what's some [00:42:10] advice that you could give to a person that's gonna receive these requests to [00:42:15] not take things personally? To not go in that direction, will something wrong with the relationship and to [00:42:20] actually hear and listen to what the person is asking.[00:42:25]

[00:42:25] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I think people are, have to be thoughtful about not going into defensive [00:42:30] mode, which we do. Relatively easy because we're trying to protect [00:42:35] ourselves and,

[00:42:35] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: um, and to notice if we start to do that, but also just to be [00:42:40] curious and, and have some compassion for the person who's sharing something that might be [00:42:45] really, um, uncomfortable to share.

[00:42:47] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And there's courage in doing that. So, you know, [00:42:50] instead of going, what you don't think our relationship's good, or you're not happy with him [00:42:55] anymore, just to ask, why is that of interest to you? What [00:43:00] is, you know, what made you think about that? What do you think it's would be like? Um, you [00:43:05] know, just start from curiosity instead of [00:43:10] defensiveness.

[00:43:11] How Old Narratives Still Shape Women's Intimacy Today 👩🏽‍⚕️🧠✨

[00:43:11] Bruce Anthony: The majority of the work that you do now, you said is, [00:43:15] is dealing with women. I specifically didn't focus solely on women because [00:43:20] I know from a lot of conversations with men that a lot of men [00:43:25] deal with these similar issues. That, just don't talk about it. Uh, I [00:43:30] know one of those issues is safety. Whether men can actually [00:43:35] verbalize that, that's what it is.

[00:43:36] Bruce Anthony: When they tell me, yeah, this is what's going on with my [00:43:40] girl things or this and that. I'm like, oh, you don't feel safe. things aren't right, [00:43:45] but focusing on women specifically now for generations, [00:43:50] women were given very specific messages about sexuality, what's acceptable, [00:43:55] what's not,

[00:43:56] Bruce Anthony: and what they were supposed to prioritize.

[00:43:59] Bruce Anthony: How do these [00:44:00] old narratives still shape the way women experience intimacy today?

[00:44:04] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: [00:44:05] Well, those, those old messages were that women were not supposed to be [00:44:10] sexual, you know, that desiring, enjoying, pursuing sex [00:44:15] was, was, not okay. That, uh, and that women were [00:44:20] supposed to be. Taking care of others, you put other people [00:44:25] first. You put your partner first. You put their wants and needs and pleasure [00:44:30] and, and whatever it is first, or your children [00:44:35] first. And so over time, I think that shifting where it's not that a [00:44:40] woman is no longer considering their partner or their kids, or. Taking care of the people they [00:44:45] love, but bringing a little bit more of them themselves into the equation [00:44:50] so that women. Enjoy sex. It's important to them. [00:44:55] Um, you know, all of those sort of ideas of that women aren't [00:45:00] supposed to be sexual is just not true. And so just creating a little bit more [00:45:05] normalcy of that, both men and women enjoy. Most people enjoy, not [00:45:10] everybody, um, sex, and they have wants and needs. So those [00:45:15] old messages they have held on for a long time. I.

[00:45:19] Bruce Anthony: [00:45:20] They're still here, unfortunately. And, and that leads to my next question. What is some [00:45:25] advice that you can give to women out there who consciously or subconsciously, right, are [00:45:30] still holding onto these old narratives? What's some advice that you could give to give to them to [00:45:35] try and break free of that?

[00:45:37] Bruce Anthony: And then what's some advice that we can give [00:45:40] to men to stop judging women? Who [00:45:45] are sexually free.

[00:45:49] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Sexually free. [00:45:50] Um, okay, so for women. Let's imagine somebody's coming to see me in [00:45:55] my office and it's a woman, and she is talking about not having [00:46:00] desire.

[00:46:00] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And as I mentioned earlier, my questions would be, well, what's it been like? You know, [00:46:05] why is it that you're not desiring this thing that maybe you used to do and maybe you are still [00:46:10] doing, but you don't really want to? That brings up those, inform that information of [00:46:15] what they're enjoying and also the questions of, well, what is it you want? What do you [00:46:20] want it to look like? How do you want to be touched or, you know? And that brings up [00:46:25] those questions that a lot of times they haven't even asked themselves. They're not satisfied, but they don't know [00:46:30] what they're not satisfied about.

[00:46:31] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: It's just not this, it's not, this isn't a good fit. So [00:46:35] I think that it is about just. Asking yourself [00:46:40] honest questions, being curious, not judging it right away or judging it at all. [00:46:45] Um, and then as far as men not having a [00:46:50] concept of, oh, a woman's very sexually free that says something about her, um, [00:46:55] they're benefiting the enjoyment of that sexually free woman as she's [00:47:00] expressing herself and enjoying herself.

[00:47:03] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: And, um. [00:47:05] So there's definitely some positives in that piece. It doesn't ha [00:47:10] enjoying sex, wanting sex. Having a sexual vocabulary of what works for you [00:47:15] is healthy. It's, it's living, it's being human. [00:47:20] It's embracing our humanness and it's stepping away from, you [00:47:25] know, instilled conditioned mindsets that are. [00:47:30] Not real. They're, they come from a place of control and, [00:47:35] um, just a different time that doesn't exist anymore, you know, [00:47:40] so, yeah.

[00:47:40] Bruce Anthony: this question, it was forming in my head as we've been speaking [00:47:45] and I've been trying to figure out the proper. Way to ask this [00:47:50] question. So we, we, we talked earlier [00:47:55] about people carrying things from childhood and young adult life, and that [00:48:00] could cause disconnect from desire and intimacy relationships and things of that [00:48:05]

[00:48:05] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm.

[00:48:08] Bruce Anthony: I know of people [00:48:10] who severely need therapy. Okay.[00:48:15]

[00:48:19] Bruce Anthony: Some, some [00:48:20] E Everybody does need therapy. Everybody needs to be able to feel safe and be able to [00:48:25] talk to somebody, everybody to a professional,

[00:48:28] Bruce Anthony: to a somebody who has [00:48:30] actually studied how to help you, not your friend, right? [00:48:35] People come to me all the time, I'm like, I'm not a therapist. I didn't go to school for therapy.

[00:48:39] Bruce Anthony: Like I don't know [00:48:40] what to do to help you. But there are some people. Who need a [00:48:45] need intensive therapy. I'm specifically talking to them.

[00:48:49] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: [00:48:50] Okay.

[00:48:51] When Therapy Is the First Real Step Toward Healing 🛋️💬🛠️

[00:48:51] Bruce Anthony: How do people first [00:48:55] acknowledge the fact that they need [00:49:00] to ask themselves those questions that you, those honest questions that you were [00:49:05] talking about and that [00:49:10] they may not be able to give themselves an answer.

[00:49:13] Bruce Anthony: They may need to talk to a [00:49:15] professional to help guide them to find the answer to that [00:49:20] honest question. What is your advice to [00:49:25] them to just take that first step?

[00:49:29] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I think we [00:49:30] all need to be able to ask for help, and I think that there's something very [00:49:35] empowering in that it's not a weakness, right? So if you are asking yourself or you're [00:49:40] attempting to ask yourself, like, well, backing up a little bit, if something. In [00:49:45] whatever category of your life does not feel good, whatever [00:49:50] that version of not feeling good is, and whatever that topic is, that's a [00:49:55] space to pause and ask questions like, why does this not feel good to me? Does it [00:50:00] not feel good in my body? Does it not feel good emotionally? And why is that? And [00:50:05] we may not have the answers. And that's the piece where it's like, maybe I need some help here [00:50:10] because this isn't sitting well with me. And that is. We are [00:50:15] always getting those messages, you know, and so it's tuning into [00:50:20] that and going, why don't I feel good here?

[00:50:23] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Why don't I feel good in this [00:50:25] relationship? Why don't I feel good in my body? Why don't I feel good in this, um, this [00:50:30] activity I'm doing? Or whatever it is, you know, or a friendship even, right? It's like I'm not, [00:50:35] I don't know, I'm just not feeling good here anymore. And be able to question that. [00:50:40] We often don't, we. Ignore it. We kick down the road, [00:50:45] if you will, um, you know, thinking, oh, it's just this reason, or making excuses. [00:50:50] So I would say, you know, to be curious when things don't feel like they're [00:50:55] sitting well with you, why that is. And if you don't know the answers, ask for help. [00:51:00] And you know, our therapist is great for that because that's their [00:51:05] passion.

[00:51:05] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: You know, my passion is therapy and humans and the human. [00:51:10] You know, um, how we live, but also sex and [00:51:15] sexuality and how that influences everything, so, you know.[00:51:20]

[00:51:20] Bruce Anthony: There is this thing that I know is real. [00:51:25] I know it's real. I, I looked it up, I researched it. I said, oh, it's real [00:51:30] asexual people

[00:51:31] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm. [00:51:35] Mm-hmm.

[00:51:36] Bruce Anthony: But I've also, from my [00:51:40] circles of people that I know either [00:51:45] intimately or not intimately in groups, friends of [00:51:50] friends, what have you, they've labeled themselves asexual and.[00:51:55]

[00:51:55] Bruce Anthony: I have said, well, like, have you actually done the work to de [00:52:00] to find out if you actually are asexual or are you just not having desire [00:52:05] right now for various reasons? Can you explain to people the difference [00:52:10] between somebody being asexual and somebody that's [00:52:15] lacking desire at a specific moment in their life?[00:52:20]

[00:52:20] Asexuality Versus Situational Loss of Desire ⚖️🫀🧠

[00:52:20] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, there is a distinction and, and first of all, asexual is not as [00:52:25] common as people utilize the term. Um, someone that is [00:52:30] asexual does not have sexual desire. It isn't something that is [00:52:35] situational. It is their constant. And the other piece about that is [00:52:40] that, so if somebody's. Never really enjoyed sex, and then they [00:52:45] identify themselves as asexual. That doesn't mean that that's actually the case. [00:52:50] It may be that they just haven't had enjoyable sexual experiences. Maybe they haven't [00:52:55] done the exploration to understand what they really like and what works for them. And also on [00:53:00] top of that, an asexual person can still be in a sexual relationship and can still be in a [00:53:05] romantic relationship. And I think that's the thing that people often get confused. If you're [00:53:10] asexual, you're not having sex and you're not in relationships. That doesn't have to be the [00:53:15] case. Um, so the way to distinguish it is really is it's [00:53:20] something that is your constant,

[00:53:22] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: perhaps it's always been that way. You didn't kind of really [00:53:25] understand why other people thought sex was something of interest or what they get out of it.

[00:53:29] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: [00:53:30] It's those kind of, um, you know, it's just their constant instead of like. [00:53:35] Know, I'm I've, every relationship has been difficult. I'm just not gonna go there. [00:53:40] Sex has never been enjoyable, so I just don't like sex, so that must mean I'm [00:53:45] asexual. That's not necessarily the case.

[00:53:47] Bruce Anthony: Before I let you go.

[00:53:49] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: [00:53:50] Mm-hmm.

[00:53:51] Bruce Anthony: We've talked so much about people [00:53:55] finding the desire within themselves, finding the desire within the person, [00:54:00] and it seemed like the overall theme was people need to talk if, [00:54:05] if you wanted to give a parting salute [00:54:10] or monologue of a, a [00:54:15] message that people should just be hammered home with.

[00:54:19] Bruce Anthony: [00:54:20] To walk away with this interview. I know I'm putting you on the spot.[00:54:25]

[00:54:26] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: What's the.

[00:54:28] Bruce Anthony: Yeah, [00:54:30] not even the perfect statement. I, I don't have the perfect questions. I go all around the place, but, but [00:54:35] a statement or something that can really hammer home [00:54:40] everything that we've talked about because we've given people so much information, they're probably gonna have to listen to [00:54:45] this and watch this a couple of times, uh, and take notes, ladies and gentlemen, take notes.

[00:54:49] Bruce Anthony: But [00:54:50] what is something that people should absolutely get from this interview?[00:54:55]

[00:54:56] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Well, first of all, I think people latch [00:55:00] on to that statement of that they're broken, something's wrong with them. And [00:55:05] it's, it was rarely the case. And so I would, you know, [00:55:10] again, curious, take that term and really run with it. Be [00:55:15] curious about yourself, about other people, about your relationships. Be open to asking [00:55:20] questions. And the other piece is, it doesn't have to be perfect, you know, earlier you said, oh, let me think [00:55:25] about how I'm gonna, um, phrase this question that. I [00:55:30] get that. Obviously you're trying to ask questions that are gonna be really helpful and relevant and [00:55:35] so forth, but that statement is often what people trip up on when they're [00:55:40] having conversations with themselves or with their partner. I need to make it perfect. [00:55:45] I need to say it just right. I need to, you know, articulate it, articulate [00:55:50] it in a way that's not gonna offend all of these things. All that's helpful, [00:55:55] but it often keeps people from.

[00:55:57] Bruce Anthony: Uh oh. What

[00:55:57] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: out there, talk it out, you know, [00:56:00] so, um, I would say get over the, I'm broken, something's [00:56:05] wrong with me, and get curious and don't think that everything has to be presented [00:56:10] perfectly.

[00:56:10] Bruce Anthony: Dr. Stanley, uh, am I to understand this correctly, you have a book [00:56:15] coming out?

[00:56:16] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: I do, it's called Nothing's Off the Table,

[00:56:19] Bruce Anthony: Hmm.[00:56:20]

[00:56:20] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: and it is really about, um. You know, [00:56:25] everything, everything should be available to talk about and put it on the table. [00:56:30] It doesn't have to be perfect. Just put it out there. And that includes our sexuality, includes [00:56:35] our preferences. It also has a lot to say about [00:56:40] debunking, a whole bunch of myths that are out there that people have been operating from. [00:56:45] For generations. Um, and so, you know, it's come [00:56:50] looking at the beliefs and myths that are, we are operating from even the ones we're not even [00:56:55] aware of and questioning them and putting it all on the table and asking about it. So [00:57:00] yeah. And that comes out, um, 1st of April. It's

[00:57:03] Bruce Anthony: Ladies and gentlemen, look out for that [00:57:05] book. All

[00:57:05] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: gonna be good.

[00:57:06] Bruce Anthony: Yeah, I that. I'm gonna get the book and I'm gonna read it.

[00:57:09] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Alright. [00:57:10]

[00:57:10] Bruce Anthony: Dr. Stanley, I want to thank you so much for coming on the show. This was a [00:57:15] extremely. Interesting conversation, extremely informative [00:57:20] conversation, and I know, I know [00:57:25] I learned and I know my audience learned.

[00:57:27] Bruce Anthony: So thank you so much for coming on the [00:57:30] show and discussing this very important topic that people [00:57:35] avoid talking

[00:57:35] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: Mm-hmm. Yes, I do.

[00:57:37] Bruce Anthony: with, with just expertise [00:57:40] and, and warmth. So thank you so much.

[00:57:44] Dr. Tiffany Stanley: thanks. [00:57:45] I'm glad to be here. I appreciate your time.

[00:57:48] Bruce Anthony: It was my pleasure. You [00:57:50] know, one of the biggest things I took away from this conversation is that connection. [00:57:55] Real connection. Is this something that just happens because two people decide to be together? It's [00:58:00] something that has to be nurtured, questioned, protected, and sometimes [00:58:05] even rebuilt. We heard today how easy it is for people to get stuck in their routines, [00:58:10] their assumptions, and most importantly, silence and silence [00:58:15] can exist even when two people share the same bed, the same home, the same life.[00:58:20]

[00:58:20] Bruce Anthony: You can be physically close and still feel emotionally miles apart. It's not [00:58:25] failure. That's a signal. A signal that something needs attention. [00:58:30] For women, that might mean giving yourself permission to listen to your own needs instead of [00:58:35] consistently prioritizing everyone else's. For men, that might mean understanding that [00:58:40] strength isn't just about providing or performing.

[00:58:44] Bruce Anthony: Sometimes it's about [00:58:45] being present, paying attention, and creating an environment where honesty feels [00:58:50] safe. Both men and women carry expectations that were handed to them [00:58:55] before they ever entered a relationship,

[00:58:57] Real Intimacy Grows Through Effort, Honesty, and Care 🎯❤️🌱

[00:58:57] Bruce Anthony: and if we never [00:59:00] question those expectations, we end up living out scripts that don't actually fit [00:59:05] who we are. Relationships evolve because people evolve. [00:59:10] The person you are today is not the person you were five years ago, and the same is true for your [00:59:15] partner. That means the conversations have to evolve too. [00:59:20] Curiosity has to replace assumptions. Effort has to replace [00:59:25] autopilot, and empathy has to replace defensiveness.[00:59:30]

[00:59:30] Bruce Anthony: At the end of the day, intimacy isn't just about what happens behind closed doors. It's about how [00:59:35] we show up for each other in everyday moments. The small acts of care, the [00:59:40] willingness to listen, the courage to speak honestly, even when it feels uncomfortable. [00:59:45] If there's one thing to sit with after this episode, it's this connection [00:59:50] doesn't disappear overnight.

[00:59:52] Bruce Anthony: It fades when it's ignored, [00:59:55] and it grows when it is intentionally nurtured. So [01:00:00] take what you've heard today and reflect on it.

[01:00:01] Bruce Anthony: Reflect on your relationships, your communication, [01:00:05] and even your relationship with yourself, because real growth starts with [01:00:10] awareness. And real intimacy starts with [01:00:15] understanding. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you for listening. I want to [01:00:20] thank you for watching, and until next time, as always, [01:00:25] I'll holler.

[01:00:27] Bruce Anthony: Woo. That was a hell of a show. [01:00:30] Thank you for rocking with us here on Unsolicited Perspectives with Bruce Anthony. Now, before you [01:00:35] go, don't forget to follow, subscribe, like, comment, and share our [01:00:40] podcast. Wherever you're listening or watching it to it, pass it along to your friends. If you enjoy it, [01:00:45] that means the people that you rock, we'll enjoy it also.

[01:00:47] Bruce Anthony: So share the wealth, share the knowledge, [01:00:50] share the noise. For all those people that say, well, I don't have a YouTube. If [01:00:55] you have a Gmail account, you have a YouTube. Subscribe to our YouTube channel where you can actually watch our video [01:01:00] podcast and YouTube exclusive content. But the real party is on our Patreon [01:01:05] page after Hours Uncensored and talking straight ish after Hours.

[01:01:08] Bruce Anthony: Uncensored is another show with my [01:01:10] sister, and once again, the key word there is uncensored. Those are exclusively on our [01:01:15] Patreon page. Jump onto our website@unsolicitedperspective.com for [01:01:20] all things us. That's where you can get all of our audio video, our blogs. And even buy our [01:01:25] merch. And if you really feel generous and want to help us out, you can donate on our [01:01:30] donations page.

[01:01:31] Bruce Anthony: Donations go strictly to improving our software and hardware so we [01:01:35] can keep giving you guys good content that you can clearly listen to and that you can [01:01:40] clearly see. So any donation would be appreciative. Most importantly, I wanna say thank [01:01:45] you, thank you, thank you for listening and watching and supporting us, [01:01:50] and I'll catch you next time.

[01:01:51] Bruce Anthony: Audi 5,000 [01:01:55] Peace.